hello.
yay, my sense of smell is back. what a relief.
i've gotten a better than expected response for my choose your own adventure, so i might have to reconsider my "no more writing choose your own adventures" stance. but we will see. thanks for all your comments, though. i like to know that i'm entertaining some people.
revelations this week:
- i suck at golf (= more practicing)
- white sox have sunk to a new low (mike maroth)
- i did not get sick at all this winter, yet it seems like i've been sick for a month straight now in spring
- i need to work out more often
- i need someone to reccomend me books to read
- when you check someone's blog (dudo's) and expect a new blog everyday, he is a good blogger
i guess i didn't have a mind-blowing week.
posted by mcpheeny 12:52 AM
hello.
first of all, i had the worst day today. it sucks when you have raging allergies and work a 12 hour day. the worst part is, i've lost my sense of smell and taste. even after i expel all my mucus out to unclog my nose. i don't know how common it is, but it's never happened to me before. this is one of the worst allergy attacks i've ever had. it's pretty goddamn scary. hopefully by the time i wake up, it's back. i even smelled my shoe to try to get a foot odor, but i smell nothing. i can't taste the toothpaste when i'm brushing my teeth, i just feel it burn on my tongue. i feel like kramer when he couldn't taste those mackinac peaches. anyways, i finally finished the choose your own adventure story:
CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE
ok, here it is. i'm not doing another one of these again. it took me forever. you can tell that near the end, i just tried to wrap it up, and i ran out of things to say. sorry i'm so surly, but losing your sense of smell and taste will have that effect on you. i tried to include everyone who i think reads my blog. if you are not in it, sorry, i was miserable while writing most of it, and my mind was not in the best condition.
here's how it works, if you've never read one of these before. start at page 1, then read and at the bottom of the "page" you will either be told to make a decision or just turn to another page. you pick a page that corresponds to what decision you made. pages will have headers and be separated by a dashed line. it's pretty simple. it should provide you with at least 5 minutes of entertainment. hopefully it will entertain those of you at work, as well. you should try to read through all of the paths, there aren't that many. ok, here it is.
WARNING: Contains adult language, adult conversations, and adult situations. And please keep in mind, this is just a jokey story. Don't take anything seriously. But I shouldn't have to say this because you guys should know me by now. Also, there are tons of inside jokes here, so some of it might seem weird to you.
Page 1
"EEERIIEK! EEERIIEK! EEERIIEK!"
"Dammit," you think to yourself. The shrieking of the alarm fills your ears. The surroundings around you start to come into focus. You squint at your clock, still trying to gather yourself. "5:09", it reads. The bright red numbers confirm your fears: it’s time to wake up.
“Dammit,” you say out loud.
To wake up, go to page 2
To go back to sleep, go to page 3
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 2
You roll out of bed and trudge to the bathroom. After finishing brushing your teeth, you start taking your clothes off to get ready to take a shower. As you strip down to your underwear, you notice your neighbor, Johnny the perv, gazing at you through the bathroom window from his bedroom window. “Why did I get a house that lets pervs look into my bathroom window?” you think to yourself for the 100th day in a row. “I should buy some curtains.”
But Home Depot is closed, and it’s too late. Besides, you already hold a grudge against Home Depot for lax wet paint notification. Anyways, he’s already looking at your goods. “Man, that guy is starting to piss me off. I should do something about this,” you mutter to yourself.
To continue showering, go to page 4
To go over and kick his ass, go to page 5
To call your friend Dennis, go to page 6
To call your friend Vira, go to page 7
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 3
You wake up with a start. The phone is ringing. You look over at the clock, and see a bright red “10:24”.
Shit.
You wonder what you are supposed to do now.
To leave for work, turn to page 10
To quit work, turn to page 11
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 4
“Oh, well,” you think to yourself and continue showering. After you finish, you get dressed and start to get ready for work. You go outside to start your car and you notice your tires are slashed. Fuming, you mull over your options. Who wouldn’t be busy on a weekday and could drive you?
To call your friend Chras, go to page 8
To call your friend Don, go to page 9
To call your friend Oiy, go to page 15
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 5
You grab your switchblade, and walk over to your neighbor’s house. You knock on the door, and the door opens slightly. Half of Johnny the perv’s face peers out at you. “What do you want?” he growls. “I wanna ride the Johnny train,” you reply. His eyes brighten, and he throws open the door. As you pull out your switchblade, Johnny the perv realizes what is about to happen, and pulls a pistol out of his robe. As a well placed bullet is flying towards your forehead, you think to yourself: “Violence is not the answer.”
THE END
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 6
You call Dennis up.
“Hey Dennis, that perv is looking at me,” you say.
“Damn, what a perv,” he responds. “Let’s kick his ass.”
“Ok,” you respond.
When Dennis arrives to your place, you notice his small shirt is barely big enough to contain his huge muscles. “This is gonna be easy,” you think to yourself.
Sure enough, it was easy. Johnny the perv lay crumpled in his backyard, a bloody heap. “Next time you look at my friend in the bathroom, I’m gonna kick you in the cunt and use you as a waterski,” Dennis threatens.
“Dude, that’s a guy,” you explain to Dennis.
“Ya, I know…that’s what makes it so funny.”
“Oh, haha.”
“Plus, try to get a mental picture of that in your head. Hillaaarious.”
You nod in agreement.
“I don’t think you think it’s funny.”
“It is, but now the joke is all drawn out, so it’s hard to laugh.”
“True dat, true dat.”
You thank Dennis for his help, and he returns home. You realize violence is an easy solution to everything. You look at your watch. You are late for work.
Turn to page 10
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 7
You call Vira.
“Viiiraa, that guy is looking at me again,” you whine.
“Ok, I know what to do, I’ll be right over,” she says.
A half hour later, Vira arrives with a stack of Calvin & Hobbes books and Justin Timberlake’s “Justified” cd.
You look at her quizzically. “What the hell?” you say.
“Everyone knows only freaks and pervs like Justin’s cd,” Vira explained. So I’m gonna play the cd really loud, and then he’s gonna come out and dance like Justin. While he’s distracted and all dancing, I’m gonna hit him on the head with a frying pan. You do have a frying pan, right?”
“Yeah, but I’m making some scrambled eggs right now,” you lie. Anything is better than having to listen to Justified, you think to yourself. Even getting gawked at by your neighbor in the bathroom forever.
“Noo! Now the plan won’t work,” she cries.
“Wait, what are the Calvin & Hobbes books for?” you ask.
“Oh, those are for us to read after. I thought we could read some after we're done.”
You nod your head as you remember you are late for work.
“Forget it, let’s just call the police,” she sighs.
“Ah, good idea. I should’ve thought of that,” you say.
Moments after a call is placed to the police, they arrive and haul Johnny the perv away.
“Calvin & Hobbes time!” Vira yells excitedly.
You know you should be leaving for work, but you relent to the pressure. You read “Yukon Ho!” before you thank Vira for her help and leave for work. As you leave, you see her sprawled out on the front lawn, engrossed in “Revenge of the Babysat.” “I love Calvin & Hobbes,” you think to yourself.
Turn to page 10
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 8
Luckily, Chras is available to drive you to work. You feel like listening to sportstalk radio anyway.
You pass by a golf course on the way to work. You know what is coming next.
“That golf course is pure,” he mentions. “Too bad you have to work.”
“Yeah, too bad,” you say wistfully.
Hmmm. Your mind is spinning its wheels. You have to go to work, or you will likely get fired. But, as Chras says, that golf course is pure.
To ditch work and play golf, turn to page 12.
To go to work, turn to page 13.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 9
Don picks you up not long after you call him.
"Yo, I have to stop somewhere first,” he says.
You agree to let him stop. After all, he is doing you a favor. After a few minutes of driving, he pulls into the parking lot of a run-down, red brick building.
“Awww, not the whore-house again…,” you say. Don’s penchant for Korean women always got him into trouble.
“It’s coo, this time I double bag it,” he grinned. “Be back in a few minutes.”
“Yeah, I know,” you say.
A couple minutes later, Don ran out of the building, pants around his ankles. Anuj the pimp was soon seen running out after him, brandishing a shotgun.
“You stay away from my Korean hos!” exclaimed Anuj, who normally was a mild mannered guy. But once you disrespected his talent, you were in trouble. Anuj is known to run the tightest whore-house in town. No, not that kind of tightest, but meaning a very well-run and professional establishment.
Don hopped into the car and sped out of the parking lot like a madman. Anuj threw his trademark glowsticks at the car out of frustration. “Count these rocks, BIATCH!,” he also yelled. “That was close,” Don panted.
“So, did you have your fill?” you ask Don wryly.
“Well, I would say SHE had HER’s filled,” Don replied. He proceeded to laugh hysterically.
You roll your eyes as you approach your workplace.
Turn to Page 10
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 10
You finally arrive to work. However, you are very late. You sneak into your cubicle unnoticed. Pleased with yourself, you decide to reward yourself by signing onto AIM before you start actually working.
The last thing you hear is your boss’s voice growling: “Office policy says no tardiness, bitch,” before he empties a clip into your skull.
THE END
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 11
The office policy says “no tardiness”, you think to yourself. You decide you may as well quit. But now that you have decided to quit, you don’t know what to do. You try to think of what you can do to pass the time. Suddenly, you hear a knock on your door. You open it and see Chras standing there. "Yo, let's play some golf," he says.
To play golf with your friend Chras, turn to page 12
To call your friend Scott, turn to page 14
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 12
“F this,” you say, “I’m playing golf.”
“Hell yeah,” Chras says, pumping his fist.
You arrive at the golf course and set up a tee time. While you are putzing around on the practice green, you see a familiar face.
“What up Rich? Skippin’ work today, too?” you and Chras say in unison.
Rich gives a nod towards both of you.
“What are you up to?” Chras asks.
“Playin’ golf,” Rich answers.
“I see,” says Chras.
You get to talking, and Rich agrees to play a round with you and Chras.
A few minutes later, it is time to start the round. You get to the 1st tee and pull out your driver for the par 4, 312 yd hole. After taking a mighty swing, your shot rolls 20 yards and stops dead.
“Sweet,” you say.
Chras is next and swings a solid 200 yard drive, although sliced into the rough. Rich is next and pulls out his Callaway Big Bertha driver. You see people still on the green. Although you think Rich probably wouldn’t hit those people, you wonder if you should advise him to wait. After all, Rich is a physical marvel with a sweet swing.
To let Rich swing, turn to page 16
To warn Rich against swinging, turn to page 17
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 13
You barely arrive to work on time. You settle into your cubicle and turn around to see your only two friends at work, Nina and Bua.
“Hey Nina, hey BUUAAA,” you say.
“Yo, what’s up,” says Nina.
“Stop that,” says Bua.
“So, whats up?” you ask them.
“Not much,” replies Nina. “Oh, I got you somethin’,” she says as she places a cup of coffee on your desk. “They also got warm apple cider in the lounge. Bua’s got some good news, though.”
“Hehe. I got promoted to Office Bitch from Assistant Office Bitch!” she yells. “No more getting coffee for other Office Bitches! Yayyy!”
“That’s great,” you say.
“For real,” smiles Nina.
After some more talking, you all go back to work. The work is monotonous, and your eyeballs burn from looking at the computer screen. The hours drag on. To make matters worse, you are trying to use InstallShield to install a program, but you are having problems. For some reason, today the InstallShield offices are understaffed and you wait forever to get phone support. Thankfully, Nina for some reason keeps getting you coffee. Finally, after what seems like forever, you are done.
Nina and Bua stop by your cubicle while you are packing up to go home.
“What’s going on tonight?” Bua asks.
“Let’s all go out tonight. I was supposed to go hang with my girl, but I haven’t heard from her since this morning. Well, at least I won’t have to hear that awful Justin Timberlake cd,” says Nina.
Hmmm. Going out tonight might be fun, but you are tired.
To decide to go out tonight, turn to page 18
To decide to stay in tonight, turn to page 19
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 14
"Nah, I think I'll see what Scott is up to," you tell Chras.
"Ok, later," Chras says, and leaves.
You pick up your cordless phone and dial Scott's number. The phone rings 3 times before Scott answers.
“You wanna do something?” you ask him. “I’m bored and I quit work.”
“Wow, you have good timing,” he says. “I have tickets to the Arizona basketball game tonight. I was looking for someone to go with.”
(5 seconds of silence.)
“If you don’t want to do that, my friend has extra tickets to the Dave Matthews Band concert tonight. It should be good,” he offers.
You don’t say a word as you eye your trusty revolver on the table. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
To agree to go to the Arizona basketball game, turn to page 20
To agree to go to the DMB concert, turn to page 21
To shoot yourself in the face, turn to page 22
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 15
You decide to roll with Oiy. After all, she’s got the newest car. Soon after you call Oiy, she shows up at your door. You explain to her what happened.
"Shocker!,” she exclaims.
You get in the car and are surprised to see your friends Dudo and Chico in the backseat. “So what are you guys up to?” you ask.
“Oiy is giving us a ride to work, too,” says Chico.
“Fo sheeezy,” mumbles Dudo.
On the way to work, a young woman cuts Oiy off on the highway.
”Oh really, this skank ho is trying to cut me off,” she says angrily. “Girl better watch it before I ram her ghetto ass off the road.”
“G’yeah, bitch,” screams Chico.
A few more minutes pass by.
“Yo, I’m hungry,” complains Dudo. “Y’all wanna grub somewhere up in heay?”
“Ok,” reply Chico and Oiy.
You really ought to get to work.
To pass on food and go to work, turn to page 13
To get yo' grub on, turn to page 23
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 16
Rich swings away. You can make out the white ball against the sky, going straight down the fairway. However, it keeps going farther and farther. Sure enough, you see one of the players on the green go down in a heap.
“Sheeee,” you say. “That was an amazing drive, though.”
The three of you rush towards the green to check on the injured player. It turns out to be your friend Dan. He’s unconscious. Smythe and Goods, two other friends of yours are kneeling beside him.
“Well hot shit,” says Goods as he sees the three of you approach. “It just got a lot yellower around here.”
“Shut up,” retorts Chras.
“What the hell were you thinking?” asks Smythe. “We oughta kick your asses.”
“I didn’t think I was so awesome at golf,” responds Rich.
“Yeah man, it was a mistake,” explains Chras.
Smythe turns to Goods and says “I think it’s time to show these yellow bastards what happens when you mess with our friends.”
“Agreed,” agreed Goods.
“Don’t mess with us, man, we’re huge,” threatens Chras.
“Pound for pound strongest man here,” says Rich.
As the four of them square off, they all turn to you and ask “Well, whose side are you on?”
If you are Asian, turn to page 24
If you are White, turn to page 25
If you are neither, pick any one
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 17
“I think you should wait,” you advise Rich.
“Alright,” he replies.
Moments later, a crazed golfer who is waiting for you guys to tee off comes up behind you and holds a knife to your throat.
“Just let him go! I wanna play. ARRHHHHGGHH!,” he screams.
He slits your throat, and you die instantly. The crazed golfer and his partner join Chras and Rich to make up a foursome. Chras shoots a 128 and Rich shoots a 89.
THE END
---------------------------------------------------------------
Page 18
You decide to go out.
Bua says “And don’t forget to tell your hottie friend Stork to come out, too.”
You consent to her request. You were going to ask him to come out, anyway. Watching Stork in action is like watching a pure genius at work. He’s even been featured in a couple of articles. You feel privileged to know him.
Later that night, you tell Stork what the plans are. Of course, he is always up for going out. You meet up with Stork, Nina, and Bua at the local bar.
“H-hiii Stork,” Nina and Bua stammer in unison.
Stork gives a nonchalant point of the finger at them as he looks around.
“Time to go to work,” states Stork.
You, Nina, and Bua find a table and start watching Stork work his magic. It seems like he is doing no work, yet soon, a large group of girls gather around him.
“What a stud,” you say, as you look around you and find that Nina and Bua are nowhere to be seen. After a minute, you realize they are mixed in with the girls around Stork. You smile and sit back to watch the festivities.
“Play on, playa,” you say to no one in particular.
THE END
------------------------------------------------------------
Page 19
“Nah, I’m tired. I’ll just stay in tonight,” you tell Nina and Bua.
You get home and you see your friend Dow standing on your front porch.
“Dow, what are you doing here?” you ask.
“Don (her brother) brought all these Korean hos home! Now they won’t leave the house! Boooo!”
“That sucks,” you say as you open the door to your house.
“What am I supposed to do?” she wails.
You give her a list phone numbers of all of your friends. “Anyone on this list can help you,” you say. They are very resourceful. Especially Stork, he’ll be like the Pied Piper for those skanks,” you say.
“Thanks!,” says Dow gratefully as she drives off in her Volvo.
You are so tired that once you get inside, you just trudge upstairs and collapse on your bed.
Turn to Page 1
----------------------------------------------------------------
Page 20
“Well, let’s go to the Arizona game,” you tell Scott.
“Cool,” Scott says. “I’ll pick you up.”
An hour later, you get into the car with Scott and head to the basketball game. However, you get into a head on collision with another car that swerved into your lane because the driver dropped cake on the floor, killing you instantly. Oh well, at least you won’t have to go to the game.
THE END
-----------------------------------------------------------
Page 21
“Well, let’s go to the DMB concert,” you tell Scott.
“Cool,” Scott says. “I’ll pick you up.”
An hour later, you get into the car with Scott and head to the concert. However, you get into a head on collision with another car that swerved into your lane because the driver dropped cake on the floor, killing you instantly. Oh well, at least you won’t have to go to see DMB.
THE END
-------------------------------------------------------
Page 22
You grab your gun and start to pull the trigger. Suddenly your cell phone starts to ring. You emit an exasperated sigh and answer it. On the other end, you hear shrieking.
All you hear is: "EEERIIEK! EEERIIEK! EEERIIEK!"
Turn to Page 1
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Page 23
“Ok, I’ll eat,” you say.
“Where do you wanna go?” asks Chico.
“McPheeny’s,” you reply.
“Oooh, let’s go there,” says Oiy excitedly. McPheeny’s was a well known sushi restaurant.
“I’m down fo’ some rizzle fishle,” says Dudo.
You arrive at McPheeny’s and are surprised to see your friends Caddy and B there.
“Hiiiii guyyss,” yells Caddy.
“HI,” yells B.
“Shut up, B,” says Chico.
“Hey,” whines B.
You all grab a table and eat sushi. You don’t care if you are late for work, because you are hanging out with friends and eating. Billy Corgan stops in and eats. Being the nice guy he is, he pays for your food and offers you and your friends positions as roadies on the next Zwan tour. You all agree, and live happily ever after.
THE END
----------------------------------------------------------
Page 24
“Your side, of course,” you tell Chras and Rich.
You thoroughly pound the whiteys into submission. Now, all three whiteys are laying unconscious on the 1st green.
“Let’s go to the next hole,” Rich suggests. All three of you hurry over to the 2nd tee area. Rich is first up. He pulls out his driver, turns to you, and asks if he should wait for the group ahead to finish, or just swing.
Turn to Page 17
------------------------------------------------------------
Page 25
“Your side, of course,” you assure Smythe and Goods.
The Asians are no match for the three of you. Soon, Chras and Rich are lying unconscious on the green. Then, Dan wakes up.
“What the hell happened?,” he asks.
“You got jacked by those Asians,” Goods replied.
“But we took care of them,” says Smythe.
“Tight,” responds Dan.
Then Dan, Smythe, and Goods walk over to the next tee. “You want to join us?,” asks Smythe.
“I should get to work,” you say.
“Aight, see you later,” says Goods with a salute.
As you walk away, you can hear Dan yell “Get off my nuts!,” as he takes a mighty swing with his driver.
Turn to page 10
---------------------------------------------------------
posted by mcpheeny 6:36 AM
misster aaanderrson...
going to champaign was fun.
thanks to everyone who:
drove me to, around, and from champaign....let me stay at their place overnight and defile their bathrooms....hung out with me....bought drinks for me....let me buy drinks for them....drank with me....invited me to go to their graduation.....jacked me in the head with a softball....got shoved in the fountain (sorry, it was funny)....etc.
posted by mcpheeny 12:27 AM