hello.
here's the latest article about stork the playa. i think i've just about squeezed all the articles i can out of stork, so this might be the last one, unless i get inspired again. it's not my best work, though. also, you wont get a lot of the humor if you haven't followed the cubs and even more if you don't follow baseball. but i think most of you have heard about the latest big news. so here it is, as if ripped from today's newspaper:
SAY IT AIN'T SO-STORK
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Once in a great while, there comes along a playa who transcends his sport and becomes a national icon. The latest star out of the playa scene has arguably topped them all. Chris Sor---, or “Stork” as he is affectionately called, is this man. Women desire him, men admire him, and young boys want to be just like him. Early puberty hormone pills have gone through the roof, with starry-eyed 10-year boys trying to cut their teeth on the grade school playa circuit. Their parents back them all the way, desperately hoping that their young boy will become the next Stork. What’s the best selling jersey nowadays? Kobe Bryant? Donovan McNabb? Kerry Wood? No. It’s the trademark green Abercrombie long-sleeved button down donned by Stork on his working nights. He’s a national treasure, a living legend.
But it could all come crashing down with one mistake.
June 3, 2003. It seemed like it would be a day like any other. There we see Stork, scouting his surroundings. He had been struggling uncharacteristically of late. He was feeling the pressure from himself and his fans. Why the stroke of bad luck? Many experts say it started with a near catastrophic event a couple of months ago. He suffered a scare on one of his “jobs”. On this job, due to the girl’s wildness, he banged the side of his head on his headboard. The headboard shattered upon impact. It was a scary sight and a freak accident, but it looked a lot worse than it really was. He would return to action the next day, but when he returned, he was often tentative and unsure. After a week, there was another setback. He decided to undergo surgery and remove the toenail on his infected right big toe, drawing ire from some fans and writers. They criticized him for not performing through the injury. However, they did not realize that his big toe was a crucial part of being a playa.
Future pre-med student/M.D. Amol Desai explains: “People just don’t understand how much having an infected big toe hurts a playa, especially an N like Stork here. Playas use the big toe to plant off the bedspread and get leverage. Also, Stork is one of the most creative playas there is, and he finds many uses for his big toe… use your imagination.”
After a few weeks on the shelf, Stork returned to action. But he was still struggling in his first couple nights back. He struck out with three girls on his first night back, and five the following night. He just wasn’t the same since the headboard scare. Then came the night that could possibly change his life and they way people perceived him forever.
We pick up with Stork scoping the bar again. After a bit of work, Stork had succeeded in convincing a girl to go back to his apartment. “I’m back,” he thought. Today was going to be the day he turns it around. Stork led the girl to his bedroom and commenced his routine. The moans he induced gave him confidence, and he kept at it.
Skipping the graphic details, the deed was done, and his prophylactic flew off and hit the wall with a loud “thud”. The force of it hitting the wall would send reverberations throughout the playa community. “What’s this?” the young lady said, and picked up the condom. Stork saw it the same time as she did, and his heart sank: there was a cork in it.
Stork had been caught corking.
Stunned, the girl got dressed and left without a word. Stunned was also the reaction of the public and the playa community after word got out. Corking yourself was largely frowned upon in the playa community. Playas have been trying to get an edge for years, and some have been caught corking. Those who got caught were laughed at, ridiculed, especially by African-American playas. But no playa of Stork’s magnitude had ever been caught corking himself before.
“Sheeeit, a playa like Stork don’t be needin’ to stuff his jimmy hat,” explained reputable playa expert Joseph Chen. “Dude be bustin’ all dem hos fo’ years and he got maad skillz. It ain’t how big da dong is, it’s how you work it.”
Others say corking doesn’t help, and actually makes things harder. Denis Wu had this to say about it:
“I’ve corked myself before, and it doesn’t help. I wanted to see how I did if I added to my already monstrous schlong. Actually, it’s even harder to wield such a monstrosity.”
Caught red-handed, there was no option except for Stork to admit fault. Yes, he had used a corked “jimmy-hat”. But as he explained in a press conference held immediately after the incident, it was an innocent mistake."
“Yes, I admit it. I corked myself. But it was a mistake. I only use the cork for 'bating practice. I never ever intended to use it outside of that. This is the only time I’ve used it. Somehow, the corked rubber was left in my rubber dish, and I just grabbed the wrong one. I only cork myself for practice. It’s all for the fans. I am a man, I will take the punishment for it though.”
But the damage had already been done. Questions swirled. How many of Stork’s previous conquests had been aided by cork? How could he not tell he was corked that night? Why would he cork himself for 'bating practice? Also, the playa industry now had a black mark. How do we know the big time playas aren’t corking themselves?
The reputation of Stork had been tarnished…all playas have now been tarnished. His condom dish, containing 600+ condoms have been confiscated and are being x-rayed. Random rubber checks have been called for. Trojan, who just signed a large deal with Stork, felt compelled to issue a statement: “Although we hope to continue the good relationship we have with Stork, we do not condone corking our products in any way.” The media was having a field day. Playa-talk radio phone lines were jammed with enraged fans. “Now I have to explain to my 5- and 7- year old sons that their hero Stork corks himself,” said one angry mother. Another father complains: “I caught my 16-year old with a cork in his pocket before he went out last night. Imagine! A 16-year old corking himself. I told him that if a girl doesn’t want his corkless manhood, then she isn’t worth it.”
Only time will tell if Stork and the playa industry can recover. Stork knows he messed up, but still maintains his innocence. “It was an honest mistake,” he said dejectedly. “I don’t know why I’m being crucified for an honest mistake.
Whether all the notoriety he has received is deserved remains to be seen. Perhaps corking doesn’t help at all. Maybe it was an honest mistake, a one-time transgression. But there will always be doubt about the man behind the cork.
posted by mcpheeny 5:58 AM
i am sammy's corked bat.
yayy the streak is over. i went to the game tonight (last night?) and the cubs finally won. it was a struggle though. despite having prior going vs. a relatively bad team (tampa), the curse seemed like it would live on. blasted curse. i guess dennis's karma helped defeat it. but rich puked from a hot dog when he got home, and sosa got busted for his corked bat. so if you go to a cubs game with me, and they win, something bad might happen to you in exchange. :-/ take heart rich, your raging bile duct helped the cubs win a game. and congrats to dudo and prod for popping their wrigley cherries.
oh yah, expect another fake article from me soon. i got a good idea for one, it struck me like a lightning bolt. sorry vira, it's not gonna be about you yet (i don't know what a good subject is). it's gonna be another chapter in the stork playa chronicles. i'm debating newspaper vs. espn the magazine-style, but i'll probably do another espn the magazine-style one, since it gives me more freedom.
and yes, i did watch fight club recently.
oh, and i'm gonna to give blog props to lisa (vic's sister), because she dedicated a blog to me. franks lisa.
random outrageous analogy: mighty ducks 3 is like the godfather 3 of the mighty ducks trilogy. actually, the mighty ducks trilogy kinda mirrors the godfather trilogy. both had good first movies, followed up with arguably better sequels, then horribly disappointing 3rd installments.
CUBS WIN, CUBS WIN.
posted by mcpheeny 1:56 AM