hello.
well, today was my last day of working my month of nights. boo. now i have to wake up in the morning. but at least i'll be inclined to work out more (in theory). and i really need to start working out. i think i am developing bitch-tits. well, not really, but if i don't start working out more, i will.
here's letterman's top 10 list of "sosa's explanations for corking his bat" that he did a few days ago. i thought it was pretty funny.
10. "My mind was clouded by the anabolic steroids"
9. "Damn Al-Qaeda"
8. "I may be a strong guy, but those bats is heavy"
7. "I wanted to catch the premiere of 'American Juniors' -- man, those kids can sing!"
6. "Hans Blix checked my bat for three months without finding any cork"
5. "Wanted to do something to take the heat off my girlfriend, Martha Stewart"
4. "Threat of rain necessitated a more buoyant bat"
3. "If you hit home runs you get paid $20 million a year, dumbass"
2. "I was Punk'd"
1. "Pete Rose bet me I wouldn't do it"
while reading this, i cracked up reading #2. i bet this is how it would go (if you haven't seen punk'd, al, dax, and ryan are all guys who help set up the punking):
before the game, al replaces sammy's game bat with a corked bat. fast forward to sosa's first at-bat.
sosa swings, splinters his bat in two, then runs to first. dax, dressed as the home plate umpire picks up the handle of the bat with the cork in it. sammy got thrown out at first and returns to the dugout.
dax (to other umps, and chewing gum): well, looky what we have here.
meanwhile, ryan, dressed as the bat boy, picks up the other piece of the bat and returns to the dugout.
ryan (to sosa): yo, i got you, i got you.
ryan throws the barrel of the bat into the stands.
sosa: wha' is hoppeneng?
dusty baker: dude, this don't look good. (all of the cubs are also in on the punk'd)
kerry wood: i think they're looking at your bat. dammit, sammy, what did you do?
sosa: my bat? whas' wron' wi' my bat?
dax montions to sosa to come out of the dugout. sosa approaches the umps, with baker alongside.
dax: what the hell is this?
sosa: i don' know, i don' know. i jus' like to hit the hombrans.
dax: yes, apparently you do. you like to hit them so much, you stoop so low as to CHEAT TO DO IT!
sosa (concerned): oh man, dis' mus' be some mistay.
dax: look at this. (shoves bat into sosa's hands) what do you see?
sosa: a beisbol bat?
baker: jesus, sammy.
dax: you like to drink wine, sammy?
sosa: well, yes, sometime. i drink wine after i hit the hombran.
dax: so i guess you drink a lot of wine, don't ya sammy? DONT YA?
sosa: well, not this year...
dax: what do you do after you finish the wine, sammy? recycle the bottle? DO YA RECYCLE, SAMMY?
sosa: yes, i like to recycal. god bless me to hit hombran, so i like to help the eart. you know, beisbol has been berry berry goo' to me, so i recycal.
dax: uh huh, i see. so you recycle the bottle. what do you do with the cork, sammy?
sosa (confused): the cork?
dax: yes, the cork. what do you do with it? make bulletin boards? make tiny sailboats? make necklaces? CORK YOUR BAT?
sosa: wha' is you sain?
baker: leave him alone, ump. he's just a shoeshine boy from the dominican.
dax: LOOK AT THE BAT, SAMMY. THERES A PIECE OF GODDAMN CORK IN IT!
sosa: dis is a mistay.
dax: GET OUT OF HERE CORKY! YOU'RE FINISHED!
sosa walks back to the dugout with his head down, stunned. as he gathers his things and prepares to enter the clubhouse, he hears a familiar voice...
ashton kuchar: man, that really sucks.
sosa looks up at a grinning ashton kuchar. sosa slowly realizes what is going on and breaks into a smile of relief.
sosa: you sonofbitch.
sosa then grabs kuchar and puts him into a headlock, laughing.
kuchar (laughing): i got you, baby, i got you. you just got PUNK'D, dog.
sosa then breaks away and does the male "slap hand/hug with one arm" with kuchar, then with dax. the rest of the cubs dugout is lining up to do the same.
sosa (to camera): i don' mined to get punk'd. i liek to put on a show for tha fan'.
THE END
posted by mcpheeny 5:45 AM
ok one more thing.
yesterday's cubs-yankees game was probably the best baseball game i've seen this year, and one of the best i've ever seen. it actually lived up to the hype.
- cubs were playing the yankees, who are one of the most hated teams
- clemens, who is a chode, got denied again for 300
- wood, my favorite player, was dominant
- good pitching duel
- exciting moments (karros homer, remlanjay striking out giambi w/ bases loaded)
- fantasy implications with clemens vs. wood with dudo
- the atmosphere for the game was pretty exciting
also props to wood for being able to refocus after seeing hee seop getting jacked. games like this solidify wood as the most frustrating pitcher on the planet. he has awesome stuff, but then he has games where he has no control, and one bad inning costs him the game.
lates.
posted by mcpheeny 9:36 PM
two things today:
happy birthday to cadzie
and
i am a fucking idiot
laters
posted by mcpheeny 2:28 PM